It's time now

to start something new

I find my thoughts turning less toward remembrances now that I paid respects to my past late last year and more toward what’s next? I can remember yesterday differently, though perhaps more profoundly, reminding me that I can’t go back (my oak tree being gone) and though I choose to remember to my own benefit rather than how it might have been in the reality of the moment. It’s still my memory. I’m reminded of the song from 1971 or 2, Color my World as Chicago put it.

I ran through life. Never slowing down even when I was going through cancer but continuing to go to the office after my radiation treatments. Not so much with chemo. There was a hint there I could have heard but I was too busy to pay attention.

Listen, when the universe/higher self/soul says you need to do something, just do it.

You probably won’t like what happens if you don’t. Your ego which is the thing that insists on right or wrong cannot win this fight. The “higher you” will win this every time. We have a soul contract to finish, call it what you will. You could come back and do it all over again hoping for a different outcome, but someone said that was the definition of insanity, to make the same mistake/choice over and over again expecting a different outcome. I couldn’t disagree.

Once I was through my multiple bouts of cancer though, I hit the ground running, picking up right where I left off. Not learning a damn thing about me except I must be stubborn. I had the perfect examples of how I didn’t want to be growing up. For as long as I can remember, Dad would leave before I woke up and not come home until after I was asleep. I remember this in particular because he got some perverse joy out of coming into my bedroom after I’m sound asleep, pulling the sheet down and taking his day long very heavy beard, compressing his lips so he led with said grill brick beard and diving into the middle of back chomping, waking a sleeping child with a scream of shock then leaving my bedroom, laughing while I writhed and groaned and then struggled to get back to sleep. Much later in my life, after I got over or just made peace with the trauma of being attacked in my sleep, I came to appreciate that he was creating a time I would remember with a weird sense of fondness. I would not repeat it for anything though.

There are moments in my life, honestly, that I would change my action or reaction to if I had the chance. For a while I carried foggy memories berating myself, wondering how I could have done this or that differently. Today, I find I’m more forgiving of myself and others. And the following was hard for me to swallow.

I gave the best I had to offer at the time. We all do.

You were the absolute best of yourself in every moment.

You were the best part of you no matter what it looked like, felt like or was. That was the best you had in that moment to give, and it was that way every time. Every time, no exceptions. It is how it really works. I would not claim that for me personally. There are sources out there that write books, develop workshops, weeklong retreats and more that will focus on the topic of forgiveness so you absolutely can do more work there. I would suggest, if you go looking, that you find that one that starts with forgiving yourself first. With a freedom you receive from forgiving yourself will make experiencing your life and how you got to where you are much more bearable. Forgiveness of yourself and others and how healing it can be, how freeing it can be for you is a gift you can give to yourself. Most people think forgiveness is for the person that did you wrong and the truth is it’s for you too. How you can live a better life for you with it. You should do what speaks to you. This is really important.

Do what speaks to you and make sure that what you do, doesn’t inflict pain or harm on others.

If you’ve involved yourself in a relationship with someone, you no longer can make decisions that only involve your best interest. You are required to consider them in all that you do, not for them but for you. You will still live with you after this is done. If you find courage, you could leave them, get a divorce or do whatever else you see fit but there is karma to pay at some point too. That’s not some horrific event that you can’t even imagine but it could be coming to face yourself face to face and that’s not always easy. I speak from having walked through this part more than once. I resisted listening and thought I could do it my way. Universal Truths didn’t apply to me. I was special after all. Yea right! I did get down on my knees, literally and figuratively before I accepted that truth. I didn’t voluntarily kneel; I was left with no choice. There was nothing else to do except surrender.

Fortunately, I can still learn and when I really learn, I change. And changing as I re-experience parts of life seems to be what a lot of this life is for me.

We like to call it growth.

There are times when I know that’s just a lot of BS. But to learn and grow, while I’m still in this human experience must be what I signed up for. Here is another truth for you to munch on.

You signed up for all the experiences you are having.

That’s hard for me. I have a lot of yea but’s going on with this one. You know that disease that kids have that lingers for decades. When you talk, or scold, they listen and go well yea, but…..yeabutts dis ease. It’s real.

Here is another point that needs to be said. This is an incredibly complex topic, and this is not the place to break it down.

I believe God is.

It’s just that simple. God is everywhere present all the time. IF I turn around and say God’s not here, he doesn’t see my pain or feel my issue. God says, “I’m here, and I won’t make my Presence known to you because I love you and I told you this is your life to live, to learn whatever lessons you choose to learn.” Put that in your pipe Jay and smoke it. I did too.

If God is everywhere present all the time and you can’t feel his Presence, then who moved? First, you did, but you didn’t physically move away from God, you can’t, he’s everywhere all the time but you can resist acknowledging consciously his presence. You can ignore it. Pretend he’s not there, not in you, not in who you’re about to do something to, fighting with, taking from, giving to. God is present for all of it. No matter what you think. All, and I mean all in one form or another, of the ancient writings refer to God as Omnipotent, Omnipresent, Omniscience. All power, all present, all knowing. It never says part time or some of the time anywhere except in our heads when it’s convenient to say more often than not.

There just isn’t another reason that’s evident, for so many opportunities to learn. And I’ve spent a ton of time reflecting on my life and asking why would I choose what I did in that moment? IF your honest with yourself you probably have done that too, hindsight being so accurate. I should have or would have or certainly could have done something different. Here’s where the yea butts comes in if it hasn’t already for you.

I may not be as learned or write as well, as some of the authors seem to be who post in substack and they may have or will have a different take on their experiences. That is absolutely within the boundaries. Everyone is entitled to believe (there’s the word) what they choose to believe and practice that belief anyway they choose. I am not here to dispute it, nor rebuke it or say it’s this way or the highway. If anything, I am here to confirm it. It is how you believe it to be. Those more learned than me can cite religious writings, by line and be absolutely right. I’m not here to persuade you to walk a different path than you’re walking right now. Where we’re going is not new either. And we are starting at a beginning. Not the beginning but a beginning of this life story. Who we are before we all start to experience.

The notion that yea butts didn’t answer the question you had is why you might be here reading this. Welcome. It’s easy to know and talk the talk, it’s not so easy to walk the talk. This is my stepping out and starting to say what I feel I’ve been given to say. I’m writing what I know that I know, for me, and that life and at least one “angel” instilled in me and hopefully you will find something you will use too. It’s all based on lived experience. That includes what I can’t physically prove with hard evidence but has to be accepted on faith (there’s another one). I had things happen, like dad returning to tell me I had to let him go or those light beings playing a rock concert with me near the front row after I woke up. Those special times when I out of bodied experience that I didn’t associate with transitioning at all just a realization that what I thought was reality might be something else.

This is not a course in miracles or a teaching of a specific kind. It is what the universe has taught me through the life I have lived so far. I still learn something every day like putting this out here was the furthest thing from my mind. There’s going to be more of the story I have to tell but it’s going to go behind a paywall. Look within your heart and determine if you are ready for this part of the journey. Hopefully to grow in what matters most to you. There is no right or wrong way there is only your way. You are the architect of your life. Come along, when you can take the blinders off the world and see what is really around you, will see life as something else. Maybe even the way it is supposed to be.